Things I’ve Learned about Love & Relationships by Being Perpetually Single
Geplaatst op 03-04-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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If you haven’t noticed by now, I seem to be perpetually single.
And being single is beyond testing at times. At least it is if you are still holding out hope that someday you’ll find your forever someone.
Being in a relationship is equally as tough. At least it is if you’re an actual human being, wrapped up in all the complexities that tend to wind themselves around your very human heart.
Anyway, as you all know, a few weeks ago my relationship with the Farmer’s Daughter ended. It was a relationship with a girl with whom I was once so very in love. A girl with whom I was once so convinced was the one I’d spend the rest of my life. A girl with whom an ending was never foreseen or predicted or even thought about, really.
And yet, it ended.
That fact alone has left me with nothing but a heart full of whipsawed feelings and a long list of the woulda shoulda couldas butted up against the what-ifs and the I-wonders. Yeah, it’s been a fun few weeks.
More than anything, it has left me contemplating everything I have come to feel about love and relationships in general. I mean, is love actually worth the work it takes to find it? Is the pursuit worth it? Are there some people like me who would just be better off not ever looking for love? Is the pain worth it? Is the happiness, if you ever do find it, even worth it?
In pondering all that, I made a bullet point list of things I’ve learned (sometimes repeatedly) all along the way. The list got really long as my lists so often do. So here are the first 15 of the many things on my list that I’ve learned about love and relationships by being perpetually single. In and out of love. Up and down in it all since I first fell in love with Kari Monz, the blonde girl down the street, as a ten year old boy.
I might share more of my list later. I don’t know just yet.
And of course, I’d love your discussion on any and all of these.
15 Things I’ve Learned about Love & Relationships by Being Perpetually Single
1. Money is way more fun when you have someone to spend it with.
You can only buy and spend so much on yourself without feeling like a total wanker. Money is just more fun when you share it with someone doing fun things and making amazing memories. And it doesn’t have to be tons. One of the best dates I ever had was going to Walmart, buying a $7 blanket and $2 worth of chocolate. We went and laid under the stars at the closest park, talking until all hours of the night. Well, talking and other stuff. Like whistling and playing Uno. Don’t be a perv.
What’s awesome: When you love someone enough to blow your hard-earned dough on them, you usually get instagrammed as the #BestBoyfriendEver or #BestGirlfriendOfAllTime. Talk about a title that’ll make all the other single people jealous.
2. Common beliefs should always trump physical appearance.
Where I live, there is a population that is dominated by a single religion. The Mormons. I am not a Mormon. But I often seem to ask Mormon girls out because, well, there are so many beautiful ones around here and they are everywhere! But believe me, I have learned that if you have fundamentally different beliefs than the person you’re starting to like, it will almost always fail eventually. And by almost always, I mean that it’s a serious anomaly if it doesn’t fail. Beliefs are much more important than people often give them credit for in dating. When will I learn with those pretty-eyed Mormons?
What’s awesome: It takes more work to find someone with similar beliefs, but once you do, you can snicker and giggle at all the things you don’t believe together. It helps you stay sane in a world where everyone believes the weirdest things.
3. I can’t control who I fall in love with.
Trying to force yourself to fall in love with someone is like trying to force a child to eat food. It isn’t going to happen. Believe me, I’ve tried. At best, you’re going to force yourself into something and gag like crazy while you do. The heart falls for who it falls for, and even when everything on paper looks good, and you’re attracted to each other, and there is no reason not to fall in love, if it’s not there for you, it’s not there.
What’s awesome: You can control other more awesome things while you find the right person. Like which way the toilet paper is loaded in your own bathroom, or which part of the toothpaste tube gets squeezed.
4. A truly broken heart hurts as much as any broken bone.
I have literally (and fairly recently) sat in dark corners for hours, clutching at my chest, wondering when the pain would stop. A truly broken heart throbs, it aches, it burns. And, just like with any major injury, it takes time to heal. Also, just like with a broken bone, once the cast comes off and it starts being used again, it’s tender and sensitive for a pretty long while.
What’s awesome: The human heart, it turns out, is loaded with neurons. That is why we can actually think and feel things inside of our thumping chests. Our hearts are, to some degree, extensions of our brains. This is why, when you feel inside your heart that you need another piece of chocolate cake (or to take a break from love), you should listen. The heart knows best.
5. A little bit of alcohol can be a fantastic truth serum.
Inside of our weird brains we install and put up all sorts of walls and filters over the course of our lives. We do it to protect ourselves and to keep from being hurt more than is necessary to survive this game called love. But sometimes blatant honesty is needed in a relationship if it is to progress or persist (or even mercifully end). And alcohol has a great way of doing that. A couple drinks of the right drinks will bring those filters and walls right down so that a real conversation can happen. Just don’t drink too much or you’ll have no idea what you are talking about or what you just finished talking about. My favorite truth serum: a glass of white wine followed by a glass of red wine. Avoid whisky. It brings out truth you don’t want to say and the other person really doesn’t want to hear.
What’s awesome: if you’re not drinking, my best friend’s sweet little Mormon grandma makes a homemade root beer that will probably do just fine as a truth serum. The grandkiddies get drunk off of it all the time. I mean, the kids enjoy it.
6. There is a big difference between having sex and making love.
Making love and having sex are two very different things. Having sex is fun. Making love is fun. Having sex is sensual. Making love is sensual. Having sex can go fast or slow, be hot or not, crazy or mild. Making love can be any of those things as well. Where they differ is in whether or not the heart is connecting intimately during it. And where problems can so often arise is when one person is having sex while the other person is making love. Whether you’re in a relationship or just schmooping people as an unattached single, you have to be careful and make sure that both of you are on the same page. It’s not fair to each other if you’re not. Sex has magic binding powers on the hearts of some people, and bounces right off of the hearts of others.
What’s awesome: two people having sex at the same time is awesome. Two people making love at the same time is awesome. ‘Nuff said.
7. Everyone else will always know every reason why I am still single.
When you’re single, you get pretty used to *the stare*. You know, the one that says, “I know you just told me why it didn’t work out, but I think you’re lying to yourself because I know you better than you know yourself.” If you’re single, you also get used to phrases like, “you know that’s not true!” and “have you ever thought about,” and “here is what I’ve noticed about you.” Single people get used to people telling them what their walls are made of, what their problems are, what their weaknesses are, and what they need to do next time to make it work out. It’s very difficult for people to take single people at their word as to why they do the things they do, feel what they feel, or make the decisions they make.
What’s awesome: Er, what’s an awesome trick, anyway. Next time someone tells you that they know exactly why your last relationship didn’t work out, look them dead in the eye and very seriously say, “nope. It’s because I couldn’t stop turtle heading in my pants in public.” Then walk away.
8. True friends are those who never make you feel like a third wheel.
If you’ve been in a relationship forever, you probably don’t remember what it feels like to be single and hang out with your couple friends. It’s fun, but after doing it so many times, you often really do start feeling like a third wheel, tagging along behind whatever it is they’re doing in their lives, and their relationships, and their everything. True friends, the best friends, are those who let go of their own schedules and routines and favorite couples things to do, and go out of their way to step into your world sometimes. Friends who have this ability are so rare, you don’t let them go.
What’s awesome: going to Vegas with your couples friends and… oh wait. That’s right. What happens in Vegas…
9. Christmas is the hardest time of year for single people. Period.
Single people usually have lots of single friends. And during most of the year, they’re all out having tons of fun, being spontaneous, and enjoying the single life. But then the holidays start approaching, and something weird happens. The single friend pool starts getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller. My last hairdresser called this time of year “boyfriend season” because no one wants to be single during the holidays. But not everyone hooks up, and all the holiday fun and gift giving being had by old couples, and new couples, and families, and friends… it all has a way of showing you how truly alone you are. So this Christmas, take care of your single friends. They just want to be remembered.
Be awesome: find out where your single friends are spending Christmas. Secretly deliver an awesome present for them to discover on Christmas morning. Just have it say that it’s from a secret someone who secretly thinks they’re the awesomest person on earth. They’ll be floating through the rest of the holidays like a crack mouse on a cube of butter trying to figure out who sent it.
10. Squishy squashy hugs are often hard to come by.
There is this kind of hug that everyone needs from time to time, whether they’re in relationships or out of them. In my family, we call it the big squishy squashy hug. It’s long. It’s heartfelt. It’s sincere. It’s given without judgment or need for explanation. It’s, quite simply, love. In its purest form. The softer and squidgier and chubbier the hugger, the better. My late sister Carissa, who had Down’s Syndrome, gave the best squishy squashy hugs. And I don’t think I’ve actually had one so sincere since she died. They’re not easy to come by. At least not for lots of us. But they are so very needed.
What’s awesome: when you are giving someone a hug and they suddenly step back, reach toward your face, and pull a piece of lettuce, or a Cheeto, or a small living creature out of your beard. Sometimes I think hugs were invented just to lend a grooming hand to men with thick beards. You’d be amazed what we can’t discover on our own. You’d also be amazed how many of my hugs have ended in something being pulled out of my beard.
11. There are major perks to being alone.
When you’re alone… What you blow your money on is completely up to you. You can buy a motorcycle if you want. You can buy that new computer if you want. You also don’t ever have to get rid of certain friends because it’s no longer appropriate to keep them in your life. You can stay out as late as you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. You don’t answer to anyone. No one disgustedly screams in your own home when you rip a deadly gasser. You can work any schedule you want. You can fill the fridge with anything you want. And the cupboards. And the drawers. You can wear what you feel comfortable wearing. And perhaps best of all, your life is completely yours.
What’s awesome: being alone and realizing there is only one fudge-dipped coconut Oreo left, and you don’t have to be the “bigger person” and give it to your significant other.
12. There are major drawbacks to being alone.
When you’re alone… It’s not as fun to spend your money. You are often a third wheel and your friend pool is constantly changing because people are in and out of relationships. You get excluded from couples-only things. You stay out way too late, and because you don’t answer to anyone, you often make decisions you otherwise wouldn’t have. You have to hold your farts in. Constantly. There is often no rhyme or reason to your schedule. You end up eating quick, fast, unhealthy meals because cooking for one is very hard to do. There is nobody there to tell you how ridiculous your outfit choice is (we all need that sometimes). And perhaps worst of all, your life is completely yours. You don’t share it with anyone. You go to sleep each night and either see an empty pillow or a stranger next to you. You have no one with whom you can share your triumphs and no one with whom you can share your struggles. That’s hard.
What’s not awesome: being alone when the top flies off the blender. There are just some cleanups that need two people, for your own sanity more than anything. This is a true story.
13. Sometimes a single night away from each other fixes everything.
I have learned that in relationships, things will always get tough eventually. There are too many working parts in any relationship for the mechanisms to not get gummed up from time to time. On top of that, sometimes life comes so hard and so fast that all social interactions, outside interests, and outside friends get pushed out while you go into survival mode. This, I personally believe, is when relationships are at their most delicate. And this is precisely when you have to get the hell away from each other for a night. Or two. Sometimes, a single night away from each other really does reset everything. It gives you the oomph you need to keep going. In my last relationship, life was slamming us so hard in the end (mostly due to factors out of our control), and we didn’t recognize this need the way we should have. Eventually we cracked.
What’s awesome: when you are out recharging with your friends, and someone (anyone) tries to pick up on you and reminds you that you’re still the cat’s meow. Sometimes you just need to know that. And I won’t lie. It’s also awesome to laugh it off to your significant other when you get home and watch them squirm a little with jealousy.
14. Every person on Earth who is single has failed at EVERY relationship they’ve ever had.
This is important for single people to remember. It is so easy to get down, and discouraged, and to feel like you are the only person on earth who has seen relationship after relationship go down in flames. But guess what. You are single because every relationship you’ve ever had failed. You already know that. But you need to realize that that’s true for every single person. In fact, the only difference between you and someone in a relationship is one, yes one, relationship that worked. And there’s at least a 50/50 chance that their one relationship might not even work out in the end. So don’t get down about it. Love is not as easy to find and keep as everyone would like to think that it is. And there is nothing wrong with you just because you haven’t found that one yet.
What’s awesome: you, you damn sexy thing. And don’t you forget it.
I know you needed to hear that today. We all need to hear that sometimes.
15. Real love and good relationships are worth fighting for.
I am single. And I am single for a lot of reasons. I’ve pursued things with the wrong people. I’ve had plenty of bad luck. I’ve had moments where I was a total jerk. I’ve had moments where I was a total push-over. I’ve had mixed-up priorities. I’ve had long spans where I just couldn’t meet anyone that interested me. I’ve jumped into things too quickly. I’ve waited too long. I’ve, ___________ you fill in the blank. I mean, you can look at any of these reasons and try and peg any one of them or a combination of all of them.
But the real reason I’m still single is because there came a point when I stopped fighting.
I have had real love twice now (neither marriage), and in the end, I gave up and eventually stopped fighting for it.
After things ended with Tweni, while sitting in my own puddle of drunken gloom, I scribbled these words onto a post-it note that have haunted me ever since.
“When treading the sea,”
said the sailor worn down,
“You can kick one more time
Or you can give up and drown.”
I have been haunted by those words for going on three years now and I’ve never shared them before today. I haven’t known what to do with them.
Because, of everything I have learned, the most agonizing is that real love and good relationships are worth fighting for because they are so hard to find. If you give up and drown, and you let the sea overtake you, all that will be left is regret and unending questions of what could have been.
The truth about me and the Farmer’s Daughter, and me and Tweni, is that I had a hundred reasons for it not working (and a couple really big ones), but maybe in the end, the reasons don’t actually matter. One question will always remain. Was it all a matter of not kicking one more time? Did I give up and drown? Or did I really end things because they had to be ended. Because there wasn’t even one kick left in me.
Once a relationship is gone, there is no way to really know, and time has a way of making you wonder if you actually were as depleted as you think you were when you inhaled the water.
What’s awesome (coming from someone who’s lost real love twice): Love. Love is awesome. Fight for it. It’s worth it. Except when you’re turtle heading. Then, screw love. Pinch your knees together and find a bathroom. Quick. Your relationship just might depend on it. Or at least that’s going to be the story you tell those who have all your single-woe answers. Right?
So, what do you all think about any or all of it? Are my observations the same as yours or am I so far off the mark a Satellite couldn’t find me at this point.